I have been lying to my closest friends, my girlfriend & my family for about 4 years already... I am about 23 000€ in debt & I have been just telling everyone "It' okay... but I think I might do it this weekend. Apend a little bit of happy time with my loved ones first.
Long story ahead! (TL;DR at the bottom)6
TL;DR from my childhood: I was molested sezually in fist grade by my neigbour & through 4 - 9 grade I was verbally & physically bullied, blackmailed, shit on, pissed on, sodomized & used as a laughing stock. Atleast 2 beatdowns a week. 1 in monday & 1 in Friday
It all started when I was 19 in year 2016 and my then girlfriend (now ex) broke up with me because she could not live with me because I was not behaving like adult (trust me, she was not either) so I started bunking in my best friends place.
After about 6 months I was feeling quilty because I had no income, no saving, nothing & was just freeloading in my friends (lets call him Jiri) place. I could not get back to my moms place because there was no more free rooms in there & my father lived WAY out of the city and there were no transports to my school from there.
So after about 6 months I finalky found a cheap rental apartment next to my school & I also knew that if I move there I could get enough money from Welfare to pay the bils & get food. So I moved in there & at first I was fucking happy with my life. I was joyfull & felt good.
Then when winter came a thing called Kaamos (I dont know wjat to call it in english) came. No sunlight, always dark, some kids started to bully me at school. My anxiety & deppression kicked in & I could not sleep well & would just stay under the planket ir at the computer hanging with my friends. That lasted for a few month.
Not before long got expelled from my school because I never went there. I just stayed at home, drowning my sorrows by playing video games (mainly R6S) with my friends. Not long after Jiri tried to ask me if I was okay. Always told "Yeah. Its all good"
Few months later I was out of money, behind on rent & bills, had no cash for food. I still just sat there & played video games. Also my aunt & granpa died at that time. I took it pretty jard. Started self harm again after a few years if being clean. And it is juat the beginning...
After that I managed to somehiw get together my with my ex-gf & bunked with her for about 4-6 weeks by saing "I had a vacation out of school" (yeah, fucking stupid of me) after I got caught of that she threw me out & I did not know what to do. I have not visited my apartment at all in that time. I had not payed any bills for the last 4 months or so. So I went ro my gradmas place & stayed there for about a month or so
Now it was Summer if 2017 I had met my Soul Mate & my now new girlfriend. My friend Jiri took me back at his place to stay & I promised to help with anything I could. I just told everybody that I had a big debt & that the Unemployed money I got went straight to paying off the debts. Then after they believed it I told that to my family & they bought it, thou my father was diaapointed in me. (After that I have just met / talked to him 3-5 times until this date.)
Now I was unofficialy living with Jiri. My debt collecrors had no idea where I was. I was baaically on the run. But after few months I did not even remember it. I was just having fun playing & drinking my life away with Jiri, Johanna & my other friends. No one had any idea.
Again time went fast. It wa a full year since I moved ro live on my own. It was always on the back of my head. I was atill doing self harm but I drank alcohol to not remember at all. Then one day Jiri said that "We are move to a rental place" I could move (unofficially) with him. I was happy. So we moved in winter & befire christmas we were moved in a new place.
No this lie had survived officially an year already. But it started to took its toll on me.. I was afraid of my phone ringing, afraid of going to public areas & I haven't talked with my dad for over 6 months. And I just said to my Mom & everybody else that It's okay
So now nothing happenes for a while. We were in the new place. Drinking, playing & derping around. I was just always afraid that Jiri woild kick me out because I did not have any money because "it went to the debt paying" but in reality I had not done anything ti get rhe monwy evsn. I was toi afraid. But I always helped the bdat I could & I think that was enough for him. I'm glad he was my best friend.
Now it was summer again I had been applied to school (I was forced to seek a education for myself) & i knew that it was a mistake. Why you may ask? Because after the summer was gone & it was August i was in a school again. And because I was in school I needed to put my address on the right place. In the house where I lived with Jiri... you see where this is going?!
So school started like shit. I had my anxiety in top gear because of alcohol & the lie i had been tellling for 1,5 years already. Evdn I believed in my own lie at this point!!! Aftrer just one weel at school I quit it. I could blt handle it.... and after that... Came the envelopes if my own demise. Bills, bills, mlre bills... but I was wise & had saved some money over the year and thought I payed them all... then in November 2018 came a bill of almost 5000€... and after that another 2500€ & so on & so on... i cried, I was in shock... so I made a bucket list.
- Next christmas get in contact with dad
- Take Johanna out on a real first date
- Get Jiri something nice for christmas
- Just have fun <3
So christmas went by, always on my toes. January 3.2019 Johanna invited me to her place. I have been here ever since this day... I ca not go back to Jiris place, I have not spoke to Jirk in almost a month now... not after there has been letters from court. I have not told Johanna about anything, not even Jiri. No one knows about this. Jiri only saw the letters I told him it's okay. I just....
I have fucked myself up so badly... it has now been 3 weeks since the last letter & I think the next one is something bad... I never wanted to hurt anybody. I never wanted to involve anyone else in this but I might have now... I regret EVERYTHING I have but Jiri & my family & friends trough... I'm such a disapointment to everyone... such a lazy fucker...if only.. if only I could see another way.... last 3 weeks I have not slept at all... if I have a wake up at 6 a.m. just be sure that if by someway they now I'm here I can jump off the balcony...
I know I have 99,9% brought this upon myself but at elementary school & junior High school I learned to lie about my problems. Because at that time I also did not want to worry or involve anyone in my problems....
I always tries to make everyone around me smile & be happy... I ques I never had time for myself.. old habits die hard. Once you learn to keep it in.. it will never come out.
So I thought that Saturday is my last moment with friends & in Sunday this week I will do it..
There is a railroad track nearby, that will do :3 7 Rest is for all the assholes that made my childhood hell
Kyläsaaren ala-aste ja Meri-Porin ylä-aste. Jasu, Jere, Sundval, Se kääpiö ja te pari junttii ja koko mun ala-aste luokka!! On se kivaa juu hakata kepeillä, jaloilla ja nyrkeillä toista, varastaa esineitä ja vandalisoida nitä... vähemmästäki pelkää mennä ulos ja tulee ihmiapelkoo... vitu mulkut... ymmärrän kyllä et teil oli omat perheongelmat. Mut ei sitä olis muhu tarttenu... mullaki oli omat ongelmat sillo jo.... jos olisitte antanu ni olisin koittanu auttaa teitä vaikka nauraan...
Ja Joni impolasta!! Milt tuntu käyttää 1.lk aeksuaalisesri hyväks!! Tykkäaiks sä siitä ku otin suihin!? Tai siitä ku työnsit sen sinne!! Oki varmaa sulle mukavaa!! Haista pitkä paska!!!
TL;DR lied ti everyine in my life that cared about fir almist 4 years and now I at dead end
People please don't lie to yourself or your loved one / family. In the end it will hurt e eryone evenmore. If you ecer have trouble just call your Father or Mother straight away. If not them then someone close to your <3