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The Spinoza American War

2019.09.12 04:13 jhbedsole The Spinoza American War

Spinish-American War

The Spinish-American War, also known as Black Beauty’s War, was a pseudo-military conflict between the United States and the Fino-Franco Alliance (Gran Caudillo del Norte en el Exillo/GNCE). It began on 26 December 1999 as a jurisdictional disagreement between US geologists and GNCE meteorologists over an ice core sample nicknamed Black Beauty/Kaunis Negra, and ended on 31 December 1999 with an armistice and subsequent joint action agreement regarding the fate of Black Beauty.[F 1]

Spinish-American War

Part of the Second Cold War
Date 26 December 1999 - 31 December 1999 (5 days)
Location GNCE-Controlled Northern Finland
Result Great Aurora Borealis Kegger Treaty
Territorial Changes Surrender of Black Beauty to the End of the World Bonfire [1] Cession of all Black Beauty research data to the Titanic Overlords of Human Knowledge via the End of the World Bonfire [F 7], [19] [citation needed]


United States
United States Geological Survey
Fino-Franco Alliance
Gran Caudillo del Norte en el Exillo (GNCE)

Commanders and leaders

United States
Dave Crostan, Field Station Chief [12]
Jemma Wallace, Field Medical Officer
Harmon Hamlin, Radio Engineer
Luís Arancini, Geologist [13]
Gustaf Pekkala, Meteorologist
Kristian Häkkänen, Climatologist [14]
José de Carmen Salas, Marine Biologist [15]
Erik Rasmussen, Station Culinary Officer
Xheng Jun, Liaison to the Titanic Overlords [19], [citation needed]


United States
8 Scientists [F 1]
3 Station Administrators [F 4]
• approx. 375 Snowballs [16]
• 1 Slingshot [16]
• 1 Toboggan [17]
• approx 16 broken Test Tubes [16]
• 2 Snow Blowers (deployed, but unused) [17]
Milly the Moose (Station Mascot) [16]
12 Scientists [F 2]
1 Station Administrator [F 2]
• approx. 280 Snowballs [18]
• 5 Slingshots [18]
• 4 broken Erlenmeyer Flasks [18]
• 1 decommissioned Snowmobile [18]
Brewmaster Karl Jørnsen (Station Mascot) [F 2]

Casualties and losses

United States
11 Captured [F 3]
All weapons destroyed or abandoned
All station food eaten
13 Captured [F 3]
All weapons destroyed or abandoned
Snowmobile destroyed in bonfire
All station beer and vodka drank
The conflict began after Arancini and Häkkänen had a public disagreement about how much of Black Beauty each crew would take possession of to study. Arancini requested the sample be divided equally between the two camps. Häkkänen stated that the GNCE should retain 70% of the core sample to run more extensive tests than the US team had planned.
The US camp refused and Black Beauty was stored at a neutral site between the camps (approx. 8 meters from the US camp, 6 meters from the GNCE camp). Dave Crostan was unhappy with the storage container’s proximity to the GNCE camp, so he instructed the US team to relocate their entire camp two meters closer to Black Beauty.
For the next three days, scientists from both sides took turns examining and taking measurement of the ice core, however tensions remained high. On 29 December 1999, a contingent of the GNCE complained very loudly about the brand of humor used in the American TV show, The Office,[16] which was openly playing on a monitor in the nearby US camp. This sparked a very vocal outrage in the US camp, which purportedly included false allegations about the Finnish scientists’ mothers.[18]
Rasmussen and Salas responded by manually launching compacted clusters of snow at the US camp. As the initial conflict erupted, Hamlin was famously heard to shout “Snowball fight!” As part of the US forces prepared a barrier against the GNCE’s munition, the rest of the team began composing their own clusters of snow as weapons.
The conflict escalated when Wallace produced a slingshot and found some errant pebbles to fire from it. This sparked Xheng to construct his own slingshot, and then four more for the GNCE forces to use. Pekkala then began breaking glass lab equipment and distributing the pieces among his forces. After the first day of fighting, during which the glass tools were never used, both sides agreed to a stalemate until 10:00 GMT the following morning. No casualties were suffered.[F 3]
As the conflict resumed, the US team built a very small barrier of broken glass between the two camps, firmly quagmiring Black Betty in no-man’s land. The GNCE responded by dragging their broken snowmobile into the space between Black Beauty and their camp. With defenses firmly in place, both sides resumed their snow cluster and slingshot barrages.
There was a brief discussion of a peace treaty while everyone lunched over hot stew, but the skirmish broke out again after neither side showed a willingness to compromise. After Milly the Moose got fed her lunch, Crostan snuck across enemy lines via toboggan to once again treat with the GNCE leadership. A treaty was drafted and ratified by both station commanders. The entirety of the US forces would surrender to Pekkala, ceding 55% of Black Beauty to the GNCE. In return, Pekkala and the rest of the GNCE forces would surrender to Crostan and turn over half of the beer in their possession.
The following morning the treaty was finalized and announced to the forces in both camps, formally ending the conflict and signaling the beginning of the Great Aurora Borealis Kegger. Over the course of the following day most of the food, beer, and vodka in Both camps was consumed around the End of the World Bonfire, along with an experimental hallucinogenic algae. During the early evening, consensus was reached to surrender Black Beauty to the flames, along with any and all resources and material gained from it.[17, 18, 19]
On 1 January 2000, both crews awoke to acute medical distress, linked directly to the events of the Great Aurora Borealis Kegger. Each commander formally freed the captured on both sides as aspirin and orange juice was administered to all the wounded. Leadership confirmed that the world had not, in fact, ended, and both teams resumed research on Black Beauty II at behest of the Titanic Overlords of Human Knowledge. [citation needed]
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